Posts Tagged ‘emo’

This week was like. Bullshit. From monday to friday, everything was just so bad that I thought the whole world was going against me. So just yesterday/today, I was thinking of dropping out of Pisay na (wooh kaya ko na mag- conio :>). D:

Seriously, you know the feeling when you get locked in a room full of all the things you hate combined, and there’s a real super small hole for escape? Then soon, you see more of the things you hate coming and the hole magically shrinks O:

I’m sure you don’t XD but yeah, I’m feeling sort of like that. I’m losing luck, initiation, reason to pursue, inspiration.. I’m losing my life. to stop me losing more of it, I feel like ending it right now :))) -_- i wanna dieeee..  D: (i hope it’s that easy D: )

What’s kind of surprising. I actually thought for a second that what if all of these are happening coz I don’t have any God. But that second passed. I still don’t think there is. Hey, what if I pretend there’s one? Would anything change? Can believing change this stupid week? Can it make my next week and all of the following weeks less shit? Hell, i dont think so.

I’m sick. I wish I know how to play dota. So at this level of depression, I have something to do to forget. Errr.. I mean something to make me remember how to be happy. Even just for a suuuupppppper tiny while. I’m sick of playing soccer. I love it. But everything is becoming more static as time goes oooon. See? Even the last of my favorite hobbies turns it’s back on me -_- or is it me? AAAAAGHR. I can’t understand what’s up. D:

I hate my position. I hate the way I see things. I hate the fact that everyone finds something that  makes him happy (even at the darkest days of his life). How come I don’t have any life. Why is it that I feel so alone, but I’m not wishing for people make me feel I’m part of something O: Can someone give me a life? Coz seriously I need one right now -_-

*sigh* and *more sighs*.

Personally, there’s no reason for me to stay. But I wouldn’t want to break my promise to my Lola, uncle and aunt.. that I won’t be any person like my father (who made SO MANY wrong decisions in life and sadly, I’m part of the wrong deeds)… I’m not scared of dropping out. I’m scared of what they would think, what’s gonna happen…

Certainly at this point, I don’t see hope anymore. I can’t just pull off happiness out of nothing? Even bad memories come back so sudden. I feel like cutting but that would be so corny and I’m scared of athena’s nipple-crunching hands (yeah, she told me not to or she’ll hurt my g-spalayok again. LOL) D: but is there any good way to get life moving? Or anything that would give me more energy to push this effing life (itsstuck) D: (Don’t worry I won’t hurt myself more than how this damned life hurts me. )

I’m not dropping out of school i guess. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be dropping out of life if this shit goes on.

oh yeah. You know how much I wanted the 8.1 magnitude earthquake to happen today. x_x that could have been a decent sudden no pain death for me D:


ツ why’s and what for’s

Posted: January 14, 2008 in ego, random-nes
Tags: , , ,

There’s a lot of stuff I do not understand, and even though I would ask my family, they cannot make me understand, I guess. Well if they can’t,  then no one can but my self I guess. But I don’t care. I just feel like posting this for people to know much of me; err my ideas I mean.

First thing. Going to church. I know it shows how childish I am, but I really don’t want to go to church. All Sundays, they force me to attend mass. Even though, they know how I feel and think about the religion, and I know myself that they do not care. Maybe because they cannot feel at all. The doubts that come in my mind, they have no idea. I completely disagree on everything the church says. I do not have proof but you know the instance when you start feel something wrong so you search for it and later on, you find that thing inside you but due to the harshness of the people around you, it’s very hard to express yourself most especially if it’s your family listening. That’s just one about why i hate religion so much.

Religion as a requirement not by school only but my family’s. I don’t know why people are crazy over it. Kill me if it’s too offensive but think of this first before doing so. WHY? I may sound weird with this stupid question. I know it is easy to answer but i have follow ups. WHY do we have to? err..* let me rephrase that* Why do you have to? you might answer me with a question; do i not believe that it’s true. To answer that. NO. I only partially believe.  Cause, first and fore most, All of the religions in the world as i’ve learned in Social Science, they all have the very same way of proving how stable their foundations are. Each proves how true their systems yet we, as mankind live only as one. We live in the same way as other humans do. But we believe different things. Look at the top view, we’re doing exactly the same and spotting the difference from that view might take the hell out of the ground. Bottom line is, we, mankind believe in different stuff yet we turn out to function as only one machine. Then what is the freaking purpose of these diversities (btw, the root of diversity i speak of is none other than this religion) ?

Let’s put it the simpler way. I don’t believe. They want me to. They do stuff to make me so. They ask me to go to church, i still don’t believe. And what is the damn purpose of that?!

I know that im weird. Get used to it. I live to be like this.  And i believe that i have my own purpose, everything i do, consciously and subconsciously, has its own purpose. Nobody interferes with that. No one.

And to my family. Please. You want me to go to church? force me? Fine. I go. But that wouldn’t change me. neither my ideas.

~why’s and what for’s to be continued~

2 things. Maturity and bond

Posted: December 15, 2007 in ego, love, random-nes
Tags: , ,

Maturity, as i believe, is not the change in appearance nor the change of likes. I believe that maturity is based upon the person’s perspective; how he views his life, what he believes his duties are,etc.   

one thing that triggered my maturity is my class. well, my classmates sure didn’t do a damn but i just felt that i’m somehow growing up, and i felt it this year, the year that im in Adelfa.

It’s kinda weird to be posting about first impressions this time, i mean at this time(?). But to explain myself more , *sigh* here i go!

During our first days, the faces of my classmates seemed so scary. I only knew them by their names and faces but at that early, or was it too late, i hadn’t got a chance to know them as they are. Even now, i know them when we are all together but knowing them individually when they’re alone, is ,i guess, much far off by looking at our present status. Yes they are all my friends, except for he-who-you-know-that-must-not-be-named, but not the friends whom i share all my grudges in life, my happy times and vice vers/z/a.

The end is near, prolly 2-4 months. That’s the only time my section and i have to know each other, the only time we get to interact and express emotions. That very short time is all i have. So please.

`[]ill continue this later[]`

i woke up 12 noon, as the way they do it, talking about people in love, the first thing that struck my mind was her. not my initial actions like brushing, washing my face, etc…

After i ate my breakfast,took a quick shower,  i opened my laptop and turned on the wifi so ill be emo with it the whole time on my bed. I tried to post something about the dorm stay i had experienced and the very tragic outbound. But i actually did nothing except wait. you know who i’ve been waiting for.

I turned off my computer and took a quick nap that lasted an hour. i took a bath, ate my dinner and once again on top of my bed. surprisingly, she was online for quite some time already. But same thing happened. the very same thing that happened few days ago. I became overexcited but speechless. I felt my heart pounding really hard. every time she types a word, it turns out to be pumping harder and harder. harder and harder.  till it reached the point where i decided to quit it and say bye instead. i became somehow very cocky but i know i did the right thing. Estelle, my friend of the day,  tried to help out but unfortunately for both of us, she’s already offline..

Brothers and sisters (gah, i believe im starting to sound like a gay priest talking about gay things, no offense), seriously, i know myself that i cant do it right without help and so ill be needing help from friends (e.g Estelle). Im really thankful btw..