Archive for the ‘love’ Category

It’s been a while since I last posted in this blog. Heh. So i’m back!

I’ve always seen this blog as one of the best outlets I have. You know, when you have feelings at extremes? Heh, so now I felt like posting here. I’m feeling kinda down. but happy. Rofl, this blog isn’t really an emo blog. I’m just using it the way it’s supposed to be used. haha

SO. Sadness isn’t always negative for me. Why so?

First, it made me post here. Heh. (That’s not a bad thing? or is it? haha)
But seriously, I really missed posting. It felt like all my emotions crowded in my heart experience slow dissipation. Heh, you get what I say?

Have you experienced going on the roof then stand on the edge for a minute or so, feel the cold night breeze, think of all your problems then decide to jump off and land at the swimming pool then you swim 2-4 laps and you run around the house being chased by your own dog, you’re still wet and you stop then you cry? Jesus, ‘coz I haven’t. If only I can. God damn this so-irritating feeling. I just can’t get it off. I can’t express what I exactly feel for the person I kinda value the most (well, at least more than majority). I can’t say she hurts me for the fear that she’ll know and it’s going to be quite risk if she does. I might lose her. And that’s obviously not what I want to happen.

Obviously, this is getting too unhealthy for me. But still why not negative?

Sadness keeps me on track of what I really feel, especially towards the person or event that makes you feel sad. Sadness keeps you from confusion, unlike happiness. Not all the time you know what really makes you happy. It could be just the aura and a mix of events. But when you’re sad, you know the specifics. You know what makes you sad and you also know how much it does.

Sadness helps you evaluate yourself. When you’re happy, you’re on top of the world, you don’t have to think how to be a better person. ‘coz you don’t think about anything at all when you’re on top. But when you’re sad you feel like it’s the whole world that is on top of you. Therefore you crave for things to be better then you execute actions to make things better. Sadness does this. It just happens that out of complexity, you just can’t turn around things. This is when one quits, not by because of sadness but because that one can’t do a damn thing.

Sadness makes you human. Sadness reminds us of things we’re forgetting. Sadness reminds us that we actually care…or cared. Without sadness, life could be as meaningless as a an empty book or as a fish in space. Whatever. But at least you get the point? Be happy whenever you’re sad! Not because you want to be happy but for the fact that you are sad.

BTW, about the friend I was talking about earlier. I really do hope she realizes but doesn’t turn her back on me. I know she cares about me, as a friend though, but I can’t forget the fact that it’s going to be risky to the point that I might lose her. We’re currently not talking but she told me she was sad ‘coz of it. So I’m happy.

“Sadness isn’t sadness, but happiness in a black jacket”

yo.

Posted: December 4, 2008 in ego, love, random-nes
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

My cabin’s located at the top end of the unmoving cruise. It’s dark. My window’s open. There’s nothing to see outside but my eyes can’t stop rolling. The stars were covered with mist created by the ocean waves slapping the side of the boat. It’s cold, really cold. I wanted to close the window but I wouldn’t want to cut the connection between the ocean, the sky, the wind, the darkness and me, or would I?

I couldn’t dare to close my eyes and let my thoughs soar in the fear that they will come back worse.

“But no, everything is already at its worst” I told myself.

I opened the window now in a greater angle. The howling of wind is now louder and the wind itself is stronger. I grabbed a chair and stood up on it. I spread my arms and felt the coldness wrap my body. “I feel like flying” I said to myself. Along with my thoughts, probably. But the wind grew stronger. It pushed me back away from the window. And so, I decided to close it.

The place was cold even when the windows were closed. I got bored so I decided to move my feet and tour my body around. The moment I opened the door to the corridor, a mild, cold but deadly breeze washed my face. Only half the number of lights were open but that didn’t stop me from walking.

I was humming a random tune and sang on my mind. I didn’t know that the song of sadness and silence sound good.

I’m still alone.

It’s been an hour of walking, I found an open door. I entered the room. It’s very similar to the room I grew up. My bed’s the same, the stuffed toys were there too. The curtains that were tied up to the side looked familiar.They just seem new.

“No. It is my room. But how in the hell..”

Before I could even finish the sentence, the cabinet opened and a box fell.

“Hey, I remember that one” I said with a spooked voice.

It was the collection of the paper flowers I made few years back. There were also things that weren’t there before. But I’m sure those letters were from me. Suddenly, the whole box collapsed and blood covered it out of nowhere. It felt like time stopped as I watched everything got tinted by red.

I cried. Like the child I was years back. Like the child I already forgot but suddenly came back. But noone was there to comfort me. Still alone.

I tried to kill myself of misery. I ran back to my room but the corridor seemed endless. It seemed like I was running for years and I fell down on my knees. My head kissed the floor and my eyes blasted in to tears.

“I love her.”

As these words went out of my mouth unconsciously. My life faded.
And I fell into a deep sleep. A sleep where I’m lying awake now. A sleep that acts as anastesia. One that endure the unbearable pain for my heart.

But I’m stuck in a world that was stuck somewhere.

But I’m asleep. And I’m alone.

A Serene Disturbance

Posted: July 25, 2008 in ego, love, random-nes
Tags: , , ,

“A Serene Disturbance”

by drewey

I’ve been so sick, oh so sick
it’s been so static, how i hated it
I felt so used, i never had an idea
that anytime. anytime
there could be-

you, a serene disturbance
all the while, i’ve been cursing
my life for it was no longer one
never looked at the possibility
that there could be-

a serene disturbance

a motion that makes me fall awake
another sweet get-up
never put this chance at stake
say, i might leave spaces open
just let this disturbance fill em up,oh-

you, you, a serene disturbance
all the while, i’ve been cursing
my life for it was no longer one
never looked at the possibility
that there could be, that there could be-

You.

________________________

it’s a short one.there are no more rhymes here coz i made the melody first before the actual lyrics unlike the other 2. so there.

This week was like. Bullshit. From monday to friday, everything was just so bad that I thought the whole world was going against me. So just yesterday/today, I was thinking of dropping out of Pisay na (wooh kaya ko na mag- conio :>). D:

Seriously, you know the feeling when you get locked in a room full of all the things you hate combined, and there’s a real super small hole for escape? Then soon, you see more of the things you hate coming and the hole magically shrinks O:

I’m sure you don’t 😄 but yeah, I’m feeling sort of like that. I’m losing luck, initiation, reason to pursue, inspiration.. I’m losing my life. to stop me losing more of it, I feel like ending it right now :))) -_- i wanna dieeee..  D: (i hope it’s that easy D: )

What’s kind of surprising. I actually thought for a second that what if all of these are happening coz I don’t have any God. But that second passed. I still don’t think there is. Hey, what if I pretend there’s one? Would anything change? Can believing change this stupid week? Can it make my next week and all of the following weeks less shit? Hell, i dont think so.

I’m sick. I wish I know how to play dota. So at this level of depression, I have something to do to forget. Errr.. I mean something to make me remember how to be happy. Even just for a suuuupppppper tiny while. I’m sick of playing soccer. I love it. But everything is becoming more static as time goes oooon. See? Even the last of my favorite hobbies turns it’s back on me -_- or is it me? AAAAAGHR. I can’t understand what’s up. D:

I hate my position. I hate the way I see things. I hate the fact that everyone finds something that  makes him happy (even at the darkest days of his life). How come I don’t have any life. Why is it that I feel so alone, but I’m not wishing for people make me feel I’m part of something O: Can someone give me a life? Coz seriously I need one right now -_-

*sigh* and *more sighs*.

Personally, there’s no reason for me to stay. But I wouldn’t want to break my promise to my Lola, uncle and aunt.. that I won’t be any person like my father (who made SO MANY wrong decisions in life and sadly, I’m part of the wrong deeds)… I’m not scared of dropping out. I’m scared of what they would think, what’s gonna happen…

Certainly at this point, I don’t see hope anymore. I can’t just pull off happiness out of nothing? Even bad memories come back so sudden. I feel like cutting but that would be so corny and I’m scared of athena’s nipple-crunching hands (yeah, she told me not to or she’ll hurt my g-spalayok again. LOL) D: but is there any good way to get life moving? Or anything that would give me more energy to push this effing life (itsstuck) D: (Don’t worry I won’t hurt myself more than how this damned life hurts me. )

I’m not dropping out of school i guess. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be dropping out of life if this shit goes on.

oh yeah. You know how much I wanted the 8.1 magnitude earthquake to happen today. x_x that could have been a decent sudden no pain death for me D:

Time=Teardrop

Posted: June 25, 2008 in ego, love, random-nes, religion
Tags: , , ,

Time is like a teardrop. Tears are nothing more than a drop of laughter and happiness and sometimes depression. Each drop represents a life lost. One can’t put tears back into his eyes. Once they’re out. They’re out. Once it’s done. It’s done.

Tears wash away pain. Heartaches break out of one’s system, fade eventually and mix up with nothingness. Drops act like a spectrum. Teardrops are capable of expanding even just a piece of emotion.

A drop brings agony. A single ray cast into it colors everything gray. It acts like a jail warden, witnesses emotion come in, go out, and sometimes rot inside time’s jail.

Tears show love and hate, your affection and affectations, one’s competence and limitations. A drop shows weaknesses and strengths, how you live your life, how you mess it up.

Time is like a teardrop destined to fall. Whatever the purpose is, only the one who owns it knows it.

-prom D:

Posted: June 24, 2008 in ego, love, random-nes
Tags: , ,

parang atin ang gabi
para bang wala tayong katabi
at tayo’y sumayaw
na parang di na tayo bibitaw
bibitaw…

-prom, by sugarfree

(amf.. me wants her, whoever she is D:  )

i hate sleevelessnes. she’s the most most unfairest person i have ever met.

why? I crammed last night my Bio homework which I chose over physics but she didn’t take it.

How it happened:

She asked the class to pass the homeworks (i already finished mine). Every homework of my tablemates is piled with mine on top.. For some reason, when I submitted the pile, mine got blown by wind. I handed the pile over to the next person. I didn’t notice that my H.W wasn’t there. So when Jelo saw my paper at the floor or at the table. I, somehow, was shocked. So I immediately went to SLEEVELESSNES (which was wearing sleeves that time xD) and handed over my work. She REJECTED it. I don’t understand the way that sleevelessnes think. All I fucking know, is I hate her.