in someone’s boots

Posted: December 4, 2008 in Uncategorized

in someone’s boots

Post requested by Jufran Ersando. (spelling and grammar unchecked. notepad kasi e, gotta edit some other time.)

I can’t believe I’ve closed the door to sure felicity, consciously left the key and slammed it closed. I slammed it hard. Hard enough to think it was a gunshot, from a gun loaded with a dull bullet, trying to pierce my skin, my ears, my eyes, my whole body.. including my heart. That bang was louder than a thunder clap.

But no matter how much it wounded me, i couldn’t deny it, it was me who closed it anyway. It was me who strayed away from something I knew I would never regret in my life. I lied, but I never cheated. It was my descision, but I didn’t want it.

Now, look at me. Where am I? What am I now? I am trying to fix things. I’m now looking for that single door buried in a place with a million of its kind called life. I have entered a lot. And exited all of ’em. But I couldn’t understand why the pathways filled with doors seem so endless. But I know myself that the door I once left and rejected was the one that waits for me at the end of this hallway. I could not resist the temptation of opening the doors one by one with the hope of it’s you waiting for me in the other side.

Every single door, every single path I enter builds me up. Little by little I gain capacity for the million times larger rejection and pain I have caused you. Yes,could this be really a bright side? I’m afraid it’s not. It only makes me a mutant. A variation of myself that becomes immune to pain. But blind to the bruises I get from entering and escaping..

I’m losing hope. But I can’t afford to get stuck here. Please give me assurance. Please tell me, say it loud, that you’re there. That there’s still light. So that I could say to myself that all the blood I waste for crying is worth whatever that awaits me. Please or i’ll just bleed out my remaining hope and seriously fucking end this misery.. Please.

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