Protected: Immortality

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I’m dropping out.

This week was like. Bullshit. From monday to friday, everything was just so bad that I thought the whole world was going against me. So just yesterday/today, I was thinking of dropping out of Pisay na (wooh kaya ko na mag- conio :>). D:

Seriously, you know the feeling when you get locked in a room full of all the things you hate combined, and there’s a real super small hole for escape? Then soon, you see more of the things you hate coming and the hole magically shrinks O:

I’m sure you don’t XD but yeah, I’m feeling sort of like that. I’m losing luck, initiation, reason to pursue, inspiration.. I’m losing my life. to stop me losing more of it, I feel like ending it right now )) -_- i wanna dieeee..  D: (i hope it’s that easy D: )

What’s kind of surprising. I actually thought for a second that what if all of these are happening coz I don’t have any God. But that second passed. I still don’t think there is. Hey, what if I pretend there’s one? Would anything change? Can believing change this stupid week? Can it make my next week and all of the following weeks less shit? Hell, i dont think so.

I’m sick. I wish I know how to play dota. So at this level of depression, I have something to do to forget. Errr.. I mean something to make me remember how to be happy. Even just for a suuuupppppper tiny while. I’m sick of playing soccer. I love it. But everything is becoming more static as time goes oooon. See? Even the last of my favorite hobbies turns it’s back on me -_- or is it me? AAAAAGHR. I can’t understand what’s up. D:

I hate my position. I hate the way I see things. I hate the fact that everyone finds something that  makes him happy (even at the darkest days of his life). How come I don’t have any life. Why is it that I feel so alone, but I’m not wishing for people make me feel I’m part of something O: Can someone give me a life? Coz seriously I need one right now -_-

*sigh* and *more sighs*.

Personally, there’s no reason for me to stay. But I wouldn’t want to break my promise to my Lola, uncle and aunt.. that I won’t be any person like my father (who made SO MANY wrong decisions in life and sadly, I’m part of the wrong deeds)… I’m not scared of dropping out. I’m scared of what they would think, what’s gonna happen…

Certainly at this point, I don’t see hope anymore. I can’t just pull off happiness out of nothing? Even bad memories come back so sudden. I feel like cutting but that would be so corny and I’m scared of athena’s nipple-crunching hands (yeah, she told me not to or she’ll hurt my g-spalayok again. LOL) D: but is there any good way to get life moving? Or anything that would give me more energy to push this effing life (itsstuck) D: (Don’t worry I won’t hurt myself more than how this damned life hurts me. )

I’m not dropping out of school i guess. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be dropping out of life if this shit goes on.

oh yeah. You know how much I wanted the 8.1 magnitude earthquake to happen today. x_x that could have been a decent sudden no pain death for me D:

Colors

Have you ever thought of this?

This is kid 1. His parents taught him all of the colors since birth( lol ).

This is kid 2. His parents also taught him all colors.

What kid 1 sees as green is red to kid 2’s eyes. and what kid 2 sees green is red to kid 1’s eyes. is this possible? what if the colors we see, aren’t the same colors that other people see but since each was taught that the color they see is the color of the object which is according to the teacher which sees different colors too, how can we be sure that the color we see is general to everyone? if you answer using the wavelengths of colors, what if for every person, there’s a different perception of waves which causes variation in colors?

again, you see people as brown. your friend sees you as brown according to him but when you checked using a weird device, you saw that the color brown of your friend is actually the color green to you,and you realized that all the color you see are so different from what your friend sees?(note that i am assuming that there’s no weird device like this yet,and i guess there’s really none )

it’s complicated isn’t it? this is one of the weird stuff we were talking about earlier D:

if this theory is right, it’ll explain why some people hate art and etc.. xD

why do i feel so dull?

today is the last day of summer. serves as the transitional phase to the school year. equivalent to earth layer discontinuities. same as the burger patty in a hamburger. the 2 letter D’s in the middle. it’s supposed to be different in a special way. but why is it this dull?

i feel like there are gray clouds forming inside me. heavy wind carrying depressing heat circles my whole body. my mind stays abnormally calm and strangely peaceful. things seem to be so different today than what they were yesterday, and few days ago. is this just psychological or something’s really wrong with my system?

it took me a lot of hours to sleep last night, approximately 5 hours in bed. awake. somehow peaceful but problematic.

apparently, it’s about me and the incoming school year. i can’t really tell what’s bothering me. am i nervous? not really. scared? maybe.. excited. hell no. i am writing out of my consciousness right now. i just key in stuff that come out my mind and chest. i feel so dull.

all i can say, after analyzing this output,, is.. I am definitely not ready yet. whatever might happen. I am not sure if I can work it out. I’m just having a feeling of doubt and trouble, i guess. Anyone please, say something that’ll comfort me.. And will give me strength D: